With even more experience in the realm of online dating, I decided to write a follow up to my critically acclaimed by-very-few-people entry titled ‘The Ominous Optimism of Online Dating’. This was necessary for not only myself, but for others. I’m trying to help give a road map for people embarking on the same journey. So here are some of my observations.
The concept of time is altered in the online and digital dating realm. It feels like fucking Inception without Leonardo DiCaprio helping me out. Wow he’s living the life. Anyway, we live in a world now, where texting someone for a week without meeting feels like an eternity, and not meeting up quickly with someone you chat with online almost always means the opportunity is gone. Conversely (which is funny because no one is conversing), not hearing from someone via text or god forbid a phone call, even for a day, almost certainly means the connection is lost. Puns are everywhere so you just decipher what you will.
You can’t put a price for effort these days, especially at our age. When we were in our early 20’s, that shit could fly. T9 texting, postage stamps, 56k modems, busy phone lines, no car. I get it. But now we live in an instantaneous world. So the idea that someone can’t be in touch, or was too busy, is in most cases, over. That excuse is no longer applicable. It’s actually comical. That’s because the rules have changed, the game has changed. So someone, including myself, who says they got too busy, is a generic line that’s used now to say I’m not interested or I’m seeing what else is out there. Whereas 10-15 years ago, they actually could have been busy but more likely, may have not had the means to communicate so quickly. They just haven’t done their homework and updated their repertoire. They need to study more. And you need to me smart enough to realize that.
By the way, in no means is this some jaded person writing. Some angry dater down on his luck. Oh no, I do fine. Trust me. I know it, my friends know it. The very women I’ve been on dates with are probably reading this and going ‘Yes! He’s talking about me when I refer to quality women’. But I’m just as guilty of following and conforming to these sets of rules, because if you don’t, you’re left out of the game. I’ve always been the type to be playing rather than watching. So you follow along, and you follow her on instagram and twitter. So you text, but not too much because that means you’re too eager and have way too much time on your hands. Don’t show interest, come on, that would be giving away your hand at the poker table. All the games are still being played, as much as someone tells you they don’t play them. You just need to learn all the rules. Like reading the entire instruction sheets for a boardgame, or the fine print in your insurance documents. Dust those bad boys off and enjoy the read everyone. The problem is, even when you fully understand the game, you’re still not happy with dating these days. No one is. You don’t feel better knowing you understand why dating is the way it is. You just get smart about it. It’s like understanding GMO foods or foreign policy. Even if you get a deeper understanding and knowledge of them, you probably end up feeling worse. Truths that would have remained buried if you had just stayed on the surface and superficial level.
So how do you win? How do we be happy again in this virtuosity? Because some days you just want to take a Louisville Slugger to your phone and computer, but then realize it’s a Macbook and Iphone and you’d never do that to your babies.. And to be honest, that wouldn’t change a god damn thing. Countless number of first dates that have been so awesome, crazy great in every way, that fizzle out because the choices and options in this digital dating game. You constantly come back from a wonderful date saying to yourself ‘Wow, that was the best date I NEVER had. It’s not just me, it’s a lot of people I talk to.
You pick up little things like most of the time, if a woman wants to split the bill, they’re actually throwing you a lifeline. They’re saying thank you for a wonderful time, I won’t be seeing you again, allow me to pay half. But what guy actually takes it? I don’t. And I don’t even swim! But those women need to be commended. Because I have heard stories where women go on dates simply for free drinks and dinners.You learn and understand that dating someone from a large city, while you remain in a smaller one further away, will never work. Not because of the distance, although it doesn’t help. Bigger city equals ten times the amount of people, ten times the amount of bars and restaurants and things to do, and ten times the amount of singles. We know what choice does to us. So you could blow a date away with your charm and wit, and maybe they have a great time, but unless it’s your soulmate, it won’t work. You go home in your suburb life, they go back to their city life. Country mouse, City Mouse. Their inbox and life in the city is filled with new single people all the time, and yours is filled with single people you’ve already been on dates with. Of course there are exceptions, and I remain hopeful. A small town girl (or small town girl personality) in a big city it still always an option.
You want to know how you can make change? I will tell you. You ready? You cut the head off. You slay the dragon. You kill the beast and put an end to the madness around you.
A month ago, I had a talk with a friend about dating, and I told him the best way to approach it, is to work on yourself. Work on the deficiencies you feel you have, and the women will gravitate to that learning. To that ambition to improve yourself, and the world around you. Maybe you want to get in shape, or maybe you want to travel more, or learn how to build things, anything. Try and shape yourself as a well rounded person and human being. It worked for me, and I’ve been on amazing dates lately. Again, it doesn’t change the fact that dating is awful these days, but at least I can take comfort in the level of women I’m meeting. I sent him a link to an article I just happened to read a few days later that outlined the same things. What I should have done, is instead of sending the link to him, I should have bookmarked the link, printed the article in poster size, highlighted it, framed it, and stuck it to my wall. Because I needed take some of the advice I was dishing. Here’s the link to the article. It expressed what I was feeling completely, and I’m sure you can relate as well.
It’s a fascinating read and I’m sure people can relate. Now, onto the more somber part of the entry, and the reason you’re here. Let us pay our respects….
Thanks everyone for attending today. I had a special relationship with online dating as you know. We were very close. Sorry this is quite an emotional time. *wipes tears with tissue* Good to see so many of you here, friendly faces in this difficult time. So many fond memories. But while this is a sad time, it’s also cause for celebration. I’ll try and make this short and snapchatty. Where to start? Where did all the time go? From the epic first date in which the woman didn’t look anything like her picture, to the woman who was probably having an affair. Cherished thoughts. To the woman who cried about being so lonely, to the woman who sniffed cocaine in the bathroom. Thank you. To the woman who lied about having children, to the woman who needed a loan. Heartfelt times. To the woman who thought I was too white washed, to the woman who was a psycho to our server. Happy moments. To the women who only wanted sex, you have a special place in my heart. And to the countless other women and dating stories that we can’t really mention, God bless you. Let us pray and have a moment of silence. But not too long, those are awkward.
Doesn’t my profile look so peaceful now? In a happier place. I remember working for hours together, editing and being clever. I like words, and online always gave me special offers and promotions for staying longer than expected. Some might even say that’s an awesome profile, and appreciate the honesty behind it. And others would say dude you’re desperate get a life. But online and I had that bond. And the very fact that I put so much effort in, and how that effort works against me in some ways, just shows the state of dating today. It’s wasn’t their fault, it was mine, and we all had a part to play. We let dating down and are responsible for what it has become now. In what world do we live in, when you try and frame yourself the most honest and best way possible, and get lambasted for it. Even if that’s only a few people. You’re going to judge me as something without even talking to me? Without knowing me? That’s not a scene I want to be a part of.
I was privileged to have known, and worked with online. *sniffling* Sorry this is so tough. I promised I wouldn’t cry. I’ve been on amazing dates lately, so this just shows you it’s not about getting dates. I can get dates. Gorgeous, intelligent, and funny women. It’s more about the state of mind and energy expended in this virtual world. The women I’ve met recently are not negative, and neither am I. Positive people tend to gravitate to each other. In fact, these women have been spectacular, and breathtaking and I owe it all to online. Women are introducing me to new things like enjoying nature, fine wine, eating foods like octopus and oysters, getting me out of my comfort zone, and taking notice of the small things in life. I’m grateful for that. But if I want to keep improving myself, the next logical step is get past this time in our lives. All of us have to. Please take a moment and say your goodbyes before it’s permanently deleted. We will always remember you. While this is the Death of Digital Dating, it will always be a part of us. With darkness there is a light, with sadness there will be renewed happiness, with death there brings new life.